true fit

Warning: this post is really long and a bit rambly. If it is not of interest to you, you don't have to read it. It was more of a way for me to analyze my feelings than anything else.

Talking on the phone with Hillery this week was enlightening. And the more I ponder the conversation, the more it feels true and right.

It started with me mentioning something about school next year (can't really remember what it was, but something), and her asking if that meant I planned to stay at this school next year. (History:I stayed in my first school district 2 years, my second district 2 years and have almost finished my second year at this one.) I said yes, and that I really needed to because I was afraid if I left another district after 2 years, people would stop hiring me, for fear of my 2 year attention span.

Now, for the record, I did not dislike either of my previous jobs.

I loved the Co-op with everything in me. I loved what it stood for, I loved my boss, I loved my kids (even the hard ones). I loved the atmosphere. I enjoyed that it was all special ed. Usually, there are only a few sped teachers in one location, and we feel a bit isolated. At the co-op, we were a family, we had a common goal of helping these special kids.

I only left because I wanted a baby. And, despite loving my job, I wanted that baby more than any job on the planet. I also knew I could not safely do my job pregnant. Too many restraints, too many violent kids, too much stress. I would put my baby's safety before the job, and the students would suffer. That was not fair. I would become a liability and I could not let that happen.

I also had a eye-opening conversation with my boss, who said she could never have had kids and done this job, because when she goes home she has nothing left to give a baby. She was right. And I knew it. Had I known then that I could not have a baby, I would not have left. I was a little burnt out on getting beaten up, but I would have known the summer would give me time to rev back up and I would have been ready to get back into my job.

I would have stayed...but after my boss left the co-op a year later (due to a lot of garbage that still upsets me) I was glad I had left. I just couldn't see the place without her at the helm. She was the heart and soul of the place. And after the co-op closed forever last spring, I am even more thankful that I left. It breaks my heart to know it is not there serving kids. It was a great place and kids got helped in a way that cross-cat classes cannot offer. Had I been working there when it closed, it would have been even harder.

At my second school, the job was less stressful kid-wise, and more stressful paper-wise. But I really enjoyed my kids there. They were sweet, and seemed more...wholesome..than "city" kids. (This was an extremely rural Mayberry-esque setting.) I formed really good relationships with co-workers and enjoyed "running the show" of the sped dept. It felt good to know that I really did know my stuff. I worked hard, but it made me feel competent and professional. I learned a lot as a quasi-administrator. It was valuable experience that I would not trade for anything. (Plus school paid trips to Tan-tar-a are pretty nice!)

I had no intentions of leaving there when I did. I liked it, I was happy, it was working for me. I wasn't looking at job postings or putting out resumes. I signed a contract to return, knowing I had until June 1st to change my mind, but not thinking that was even in the realm of possibility. Then Hanna told me the job I had always wanted, but it had never been open since I had been certified, had just opened up.

I thought hard and finally decided I had to go for it, or I'd always wonder what could have been. So I put in my resume and application. I told my boss at that job that I did not intend to look for a job, this just happened to be my dream job and had just opened up. I also told her I was not going to take just any job and leave, because I only wanted to leave if just the right thing came along. She understood and wrote me a nice reference.

I did the interview with the central office, and my time as a sped coordinator served me well, I was able to answer all the process/legal questions without hesitation. I later found out my interviewer had been replaced at his former job by my co-op boss and that he had told her my interview was "flawless." That was really nice to hear.

I got the interview at my "dream job," plus 3 others. One for the same "dream job" but at a different location. (The dream job was an autism classroom, for those who don't know. Autism was always my main interest in disability, due to Danny, Lindsey and later, Zach. It still fascinates me like nothing else.) One interview was middle school cross-cat...which I knew before I went that I did not want to do, but my co-op boss advised me to do the interview anyway. She said it was good practice at interview skills (it was the first of the 4 on the schedule), and showed the district that I was not going to turn my nose up at every job other than the autism position. It showed an open mind and kept doors open.

The cross-cat interview apparently went well...they offered me the job. I turned it down, I told them I had two interviews for a position I wanted more and was hoping to get on at one of those 2 schools.

The next interview was for the autism job at the school I had always wanted to work in. I had interned there and fallen in love with the school. I prayed hard...I really wanted them to offer me the job. In the interview they asked if I had anymore interviews set up, and I said I had already had one and had two more scheduled. They asked what would be my first choice. I told them it was there. That I had wanted to work there, in that class, for 6 years. The principal called me the next day and was very gentle in letting me know that I was not getting the job. She told me she knew how badly I wanted it, and they liked me, but they went with the candidate with a master's degree almost completed in Autism. She said she usually sent a letter letting applicants know if they did not get the job, but that she knew I had another interview that day and wanted me to have the information so I did not wait on their response to answer any other offers. This was very kind of her, but my heart was a bit broken at that time.

Still, I went to the third interview, for another autism class, and decided to give it my all. It was still the job I wanted, even if it was not in the location I desired. I thought, "All things are for a reason. That must not have been the place for me, no matter how much I wanted it to be. Maybe this is where I need to be." My Gramma called me on the way to the interview and prayed for me. That gave me a lot of peace. You see, when my Gramma prays, things happen! But, I only considered the possibility of getting the job as the answer to the prayer. I did not look at the alternative. This was my last chance (for the year) to have a crack at the autism job.

I didn't get it. They went with a lady who had been a para in the autism room while going back to school to get her degree. She knew the staff, the kids, the class. She had the edge. For them, she fit.

I felt a bit let down, but I was ok with it, because i still had my job. And there was nothing wrong with it, I liked it, it was a good job. So I would stay put and maybe get a crack at the autism job another year. Sure, I had one more interview to go, but it was not the job I wanted and I figured I would do the interview but either not get the job or not accept the offer.

I arrived at the interview. It did not start well. (First I was lost on the way and had to have Hanna google the directions to the school.) Then, I sat outside the office for an hour after my interview was to start. I waited and waited, finally the principal came out, looked confused and said "Can I help you?" I said I was there for the 4:30 interview. She asked my name and then said, "Oh, you don't have an interview. You never called me back." I did not want to be rude or disrespectful, but I also wanted to clear the record. "Yes, I did," I said, "You asked me to come in on Tuesday, but I said I had a funeral and we decided on Wednesday." As soon as I said funeral, her face changed. "OOOHHHH. Yes. I forgot. I'm sorry!" She apologized. She asked the interview team if they would be willing to stay a little later and give me the interview, since I had waited so long.

I did the interview...I answered the questions, some I nailed, some the principal questioned. But the whole time, I sat and thought, "This fits." I did not know what the job would look like, really. I had no experience with running a functional life skills classroom. But as I sat with these people and talked about this job, it felt so right. It fit.

I was shocked. I had expected to walk out and go back to my job and be fine with it. But as I walked to my car, I thought, "This feels comfortable. I can do this." Still, I wanted to think and pray and talk it over and make pro/con lists before deciding. It wasn't what I planned on doing and it wasn't my dream job, even if some of the students in the class may have autism, there was more to this than just that.

The principal had told me I was the 3rd interview for the job, and she wanted to do at least 2 more, but would let me know in the next 5 days. She called the next day and offered me the job. I was surprised and asked about the other interviews. She said she usually does at least 5, but they talked after I left and decided they did not need to, that "we just all thought you fit."

That confirmed what I was feeling, and I accepted the job. I was nervous, because I did not know what it would be like, but I knew it would be ok. It felt right. It would be new, challenging and good.

I'm almost 2 full years in. It still feels right. It still fits. I never expected to end up doing this type of program, but I love it. I think the things we get to do with the students are amazing. I am thrilled to be back in self-contained sped., which I've always liked more than resource sped. I like having my own kids, in a smaller group, rather than 20-30 kids I see randomly throughout the day. I like cooking and community outings. I love having a para again (adult ocnversation/support throughout the day is priceless!)

I am genuinely happy in this position. I could easily see myself doing it for many more years. I'm not "looking for the next step." This is where I am supposed to be, I just didn't know it.

(Also, with as high as gas prices got in the last 2 years, I could never have afforded driving 89 miles round trip to work anymore.)