just some more about stuff you've all already heard me say

Well, its here again. The I-really-want-a-baby-and-life-is-so-not-fair feeling. It comes around every few months and then I get past it and its ok. Then, suddenly, it is absolutely not ok. Even after these years (yes, it has now been almost 4 years, which seems strange to say)...I still mourn. I still grieve. And, more often than not, I still get VERY angry that I can't have a baby.

Today, a mom said to me "I don't even know why I bothered to have children, if this is what life is going to be like."

That hurts me to my bones. It makes me want to punch her in the face (and I am NOT a violent person, normally). It makes me want to take her children away from her and take them where they will never hear words like that spoken about them again.

I understand, completely, that children will do things that parents will complain about. But no child, ever, should feel as if they are a regrettable burden. That is a horrible way to grow up. To my mind, it's abuse. The mental anguish that kids feel when they are unwanted is abusive. It may not wound their body, but it surely wounds their soul. Bodies nearly always heal...souls, not nearly as often or as quickly.

People, please, even if you feel like saying something like this, DON'T. For your child's sake, shut your mouth. Keep it inside. Bottle it up. Some feelings are not meant to be shared.

I've come to accept that I may never have a child. But I'll never like it. I'll never be okay with it, really. I'll always wish it were different. And I'll always want to cry and punch people in the face who do not value, love, adore and WANT the babies God gave them.

So, next time you have to wake up in the middle of the night with a sick baby and I am sleeping peacefully, remember, I'd give just about anything to trade places with you and let you sleep through the night each and every night. You are not cursed. You are blessed.

Next time you have to discipline a naughty child, be thankful that you have this little bundle of energy that, while bringing chaos, also brings great joy to your life.

Next time you wonder what your friends without kids are doing on a Friday night, remember that this one is sitting home and blogging about how very much she wants to be in your shoes. Messy house, dirty diapers, whiny babies, and all.