public relations dilemma

I've been approached by the CASA PR person to write my story out for use in CASA of SWMO publications.  Kind of a "this is the kind of child that needs you" plea to the public.  If I choose to do it, it's basically then the property of CASA.  If it works well in publications and at events, it could be sent on to other CASA organizations for their use.

I'm having trouble making this decision.

In the pro column, if my story made a difference for a child, even just one child, then isn't it worth it?  And perhaps it would be a freeing experience to send my story out into the world...maybe.  I'm unsure on that part.

In the much longer con column, are the things that cause this decision to become a dilemma for me.  I've still, to this day, only shared my past with those that needed or earned it (and the people at CASA and readers of this blog).  It's a lot of baggage to just dump on anyone else, so I don't.  At least, that's what I tell myself.  But maybe, if I am totally honest, I'm still shouldering the secret and would feel guilty if I didn't.

Lets say the story is only used in Southwest Missouri.  There is no chance of the people mentioned in the story (mostly my parents) seeing it.  But...at least half of the people I hang out with regularly, almost all of my colleagues and absolutely all of my students and their families are not aware of my background.  There would be a chance that any of them could see it.  That could open any number of awkward cans of worms.  It could start a lot of conversations that are still hard and painful for me to have.

And if the story went larger...the can of worms gets bigger.  I, unlike many people with this type of past, still have a mostly positive relationship with my parents.

My dad and I, usually, are friendly and civil.  There is love there, even if our relationship is very different from what many have with their fathers.  We had pretty much no relationship for several years, after his arrest for manufacturing methamphetemine.  While in jail, he got clean and began attending church.  Everyone else was happy, I was completely skeptical.  I was sure it was a classic "foxhole conversion" and would not last.  Sometimes I still have trouble trusting that it won't all fall apart again, even after 12 years.  It has been a building process to get the relationship to where it is, and it remains rocky at times.  A lot of that rockiness comes from his still being unwilling to admit that he knew what he was doing was wrong.  Which makes it hard for me to accept his apology.  A lot of the current relationship hinges on my choosing to accept all deficiencies in the past and present and keep all visits and conversations light.  Him seeing that I published how I really felt, and feel, could cause the rockiness to become a full blown avalanche.

My mom and I have always been much closer.  That has confused a lot of people, since she was certainly not innocent in the whole situation.  Like my dad, she was also using, she was also yelling and fighting and she was also causing me to bear the secrets that were to be the burden of my lifetime.  However, she was the one I could rely on to make sure we had food, electricity, heat, lunch money and transportation.  She was the one who held down a job at all times and she was the one who made sure we had what we needed.  She had her faults, for sure, but when I look at what went on, I know who was there for me and made sure I had what I needed.  She no longer uses, and was responsible for getting my dad out of the house when he went from just using to dealing.  She didn't want that danger for us.  That's when they separated.  My mom has grown up some and changed her life.  But any time a conversation veers into uncomfortable past territory, she shuts down completely.  She does not want to deal with any of it, she just wants to function like the past did not happen.  Our relationship hinges on staying in the present.  Any walk down memory lane is painful for her and seems like an accusation or attack.  I know exactly how badly it would hurt her if she read the things I would write.  She would see it as unnecessary and cruel.

I would not have to mention their names, and I could go by my first name only, which could lessen the possibility of it getting back to them.  But if I am going to be bold enough to release my story to the public, I need to do it knowing and accepting that my parents could very well see it.  I would have to be able to accept any ramifications.  I know my parents.  The ramifications would be them expressing pain, anguish, disappointment, then trying to justify their own actions while never accepting that my feelings on the subject have validity.  Then, there would be a guilt trip or 5.  Then they would want to pretend it never happened.  It would not be permanent, but the energy would be out there, palpably, for a long time.  Possibly forever.

So there it is.  The con list is longer, but the one thing on the pro list is the whole reason I got into CASA in the first place.  To help a child.  A child.  If I help more, great.  But isn't helping one worth going through the cons?  I know it should be an easy decision, I should say yes.  When I think with logic and use only my brain, it's easy.  When I let my feelings get involved...I literally feel nauseas about it.

Part of it, as stated above, is the reaction from people reading it.  Other teachers, acquaintances, friends, parents of my students, my own family.  All reactions that I may not really want to deal with.  The whispers of people who want to talk about it, but not to me.  The people who do want to talk about who I feel haven't "earned the right" to.  The people who understand all too well and see me as an appropriate confidante, but who I am not ready to shoulder burdens for.

But part of it is the child in me.  Children in situations like mine, or abusive or molestation situations, typically don't talk about it.  Period.  Winky, in Harry Potter (which seems a crazy thing to bring up, but it's  the best way I know to put it) says of house-elves "We keeps their secrets and our silence."  That's what children in these situations do also.  The children you hear about who tell a trusted adult about abuse/molestation/rape/drug use, they are statistically in the drastic minority.  For every story that comes out, there are many, many that never do.  That take the secret to their adulthood, or even their grave. Even as an adult, with parents no longer using drugs, I have kept the secrets of my past.  I hold them very close to me, and I make sure I know very well who I parse them out to.  I fear that part of my hesitation in releasing my story is that I am still a scared child, keeping their secrets and my silence.  Protecting the guilty at the cost of the innocent. Taking the brunt of it, because that's who I am and what I do.  So much of my identity is wrapped up in being the one who keeps her mouth shut and takes care of things.  Could I handle not being that person anymore?

And I fear that another part of my hesitation is that I will be giving up all the control over who knows my story.  It's a step I've never taken.  Openness and vulnerability.  It's a hard step to take.  Would it offer me a freedom, to not have to guard these secrets?  I've never not felt that responsibility.  It may not feel like freedom. It may be too scary, too hard.  It may let too many people in to who I really am, and where I've come from.  I may not like it.  I may feel guilty. I can't describe the way even just considering it makes me feel.  It's like a gnawing, quivering nausea.  If I am honest about it, I'm scared.

The devil we know is always easier to deal with than the devil we don't.  But a decision must be made soon, before the May publication date of the new CASA materials.  Will I stay with the devil I know, or step into a whole new world of discomfort?

I'd love to say I've decided.  That I'm ready.  But I can't. Because I don't know if I am.  But, I am thinking about it.