baby showers...

I have a really hard time with baby showers.  I tend to leave a little (in the past, more than a little) depressed. 

It's totally contradicted by my insane love of shopping for babies.  And how much I love to actually hold, cuddle, smell, play with and coo at the baby once it's born.

Tonight was Hanna's baby shower.  I felt guilty when she first got pregnant that I said to her, "I can't handle throwing you a baby shower.  I'm sorry, but I just can't."  I really hope I didn't hurt her feelings when I said it.  If I did, it was not my intention.

I threw Hillery one for both Gabbie and Davy.  Gabbie was easy, since I had no idea I was infertile.  Davy was a little harder since I knew I had issues that might complicate things, but I could handle it with minimal sadness since I still didn't know that babies were completely off the table yet.

But these days, after years of trying, wishing, hoping, praying, crying and finally (more or less) accepting that it isn't in the cards...baby showers drive home the fact a little harder than I can handle.

For a couple years, I went to showers and cried on the way home.  For another couple, I avoided them like the plague.  I only recently decided I could handle them again.  The one I went to in January, I got lucky.  I left with no sadness because someone managed to piss me off, so I left angry!

I desperately wanted to attend Hanna's.  I love her.  And I've been friends with her for so long.  I knew she would understand if I couldn't.  I had her blessing to bow out.  It took me awhile, but I decided I would go.  (I debated the merits of a few shots beforehand to help me out...)

I have to say, I'm so, so, so grateful to Heather P.  First for throwing the shower that I could not muster up the strength to give (and I know Heather has had a few challenges lately that may have made this just as difficult for her).  But also, for planning a shower at Firehouse Pottery.  It enabled me to focus on Hanna, and then just lose myself in painting, emerging to watch her open my gift and then dive back into the diversion of creating pet bowls.  No games to play and no forced participation in a circle of oohing and aahing over tiny cute baby things.  It helped, so much.

I picked a spot a little out of the way, so that if I was too quiet or got sad, maybe no one would notice.  It wasn't necessary, since I had something else to occupy myself with.  I can honestly say I only felt a twinge of sadness leaving.  And that's the best it's ever been for me.

Hanna, I love you.  I am glad I could participate in tonight's festivities.  I can't wait to see Blueberry Bedskirt A.A. Lyons.  I've been hoping she'll have Joy's freckles.  I think freckles are cute.  Please pass my thanks to Heather, who did a great job tonight.  I thought the little corked bottles of shrinking potion were the cutest thing I've ever seen on a refreshment table.